Am I happy ?

Cant say that I am......

I keep waiting for him to love me again, but it never happens.....

No christmas card, An emotionless Valentines day, an empty Birthday and a nonexistant anniversary...All this from a man who says he loves me.

So what am I waiting for ? him......

Him, to love me again or to have th decency to say this isnt working.

Ive never cried so much in my life...It went from being treated like shit during my pregnancy to being ignored after. Sometimes i wish i was the baby so he would just kiss me !

I can see where this is headed, but i dont want to be the one to end it...

Why should i, Im the one that still loves him.

Wow, a baby momma....Just what i never wanted to be.

I saw forever in Wills eyes, omg it was the most amazing feeling when he used to walk thru the door. Now I just prepare to be ignored and cry not to cry when he comes home...

Have you ever looked at someone and wished they loved you as much as you love them ?

I've been doing this for months. Thinking maybe it is his financial situation...maybe thats why he's so cold. But then, the reason changed. Now its no longer money...Its me. Day after day he tells me why im so hard to love, why its so hard to be affectionate with me. Does he ever stop to think how he makes me feel ?

I guess it really doesnt matter anymore, I mean how stupid can I be ?

in the past 2 dats he's told me how much he didnt care if we stay together or not and now how hard it is to love me....

Well Ive come to terms that he doesnt love me....I guess the pain will stop sooner or later.

This is not the man i met, the man I met loved me...

He held my hand, he missed me when he was away from me, he kissed me for no reason but just to kiss me. *sigh*

I dont know why I thought he was different.

Its Funny, A close friend of mine is going thru the heartache of what i have come to know so well over the years.

i suggested she read other peoples blogs and gave her this url.

As I sat down to read my last entry it brought back bad memories and an unsureness that i have been dealing with all year.

I was right....He was cheating and I found out in early August.

And it hurt like hell but I forgave him, or at least i tried. The thought of being without him hurt so much that I excepted his apology and just prayed it wouldnt happen again.

Thru this year of pure torture, one minute hasnt passed that I havent wondered if he was cheating again.

I went thru the why's the what if's.

And it keeps coming back to, if he didnt care then why would it be any different next time ?

Im now 9 months pregnant and still living with this torture. And i pray thats it is my hormones. Because really...who can live like this ?

As history reapeats itself, he seems distant.

He made a point the other day and said, and i wonder why...

Does he wonder why ?

As he growns more and more unaffectionate and uninterested does he wonder why I feel the way i feel ?

Ive been snooping for like 6 months now and at times I thinks its because i dont want to be caught off guard again but then there are times when i think. The lasttime it felt like he loved me was when i found out he cheated on me. He held me and cried and told me he loved me and it felt like he couldnt live without me. And sometimes I just want to feel that again.

Why does everything have to be falling apart for him to show me he loves me ?

Things just keep getting worse.

So when does someone decide that its over ?

that its time to go ?

I just want things to be the way they used to be.

But maybe thats a fantasy, can you really hate someone for falling out of love with you ?

I never imagined my pregnancy and my relationship would be ending at the same time ?

But when someone keeps pulling away from you how tight can you really hold on.

maybe ment to be wasnt so ment to be after all.....

*sigh*